• Hello. I’m really confused about something and I’m hoping you will have the answer to what I am going to ask? How is Luke Casteel married to Stacie even though technically he is still married to Sarah or did I miss something?
    Friday, 29. October 2021 00:54 o'clock

    I have the same question! And you didn’t miss anything. I can make some guesses but we really don’t know.

  • OK, I lied. I’m not doing the Laura Palmer project just yet. What I am doing is going through and...
    Wednesday, 30. December 2020 15:00 o'clock

    OK, I lied. I’m not doing the Laura Palmer project just yet. What I am doing is going through and collecting all my recaps, doing some edits, writing some new stuff, and making it a book or some sort. 

    I’ll keep you posted


  • Saturday, 28. November 2020 16:37 o'clock

    Hey, buttercups! I thiiiiiink I’m back! I just read The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer, as part of my latest All Twin Peaks All the Time phase and it is extremely our jam. PLUS - I’ve been taking notes because I have things to say.

    So, stay tuned, I think I’ll have a new piece up next week.

  • I wanna do the drinking game while reading the Dollanganger series. Of course some rules won’t be included but I’ll still be on a fast pass to the hospital and my first AA meeting
    Friday, 27. November 2020 20:30 o'clock

    DO NOT ACTUALLY PLAY THIS GAME. I mean, maybe little sips?

  • (The Lurid Family)
    Friday, 11. May 2018 18:33 o'clock


    (The Lurid Family)

  • (The Lurid Family)
    Tuesday, 10. April 2018 21:18 o'clock


    (The Lurid Family)

  • (The Lurid Family) Did You Miss Me? - Whatever day you think it...
    Sunday, 25. March 2018 20:20 o'clock


    (The Lurid Family)

    Did You Miss Me? -
    Whatever day you think it is, it’s actually Tuesday, because we are going a bit Whitefern on you, with the whispers on the stairs, and the prismsatic nature of our personal timelines.
    Your intrepid recappers have decided that the brilliance of Dark Angel is too much to handle for the months it will take us, at our current rate, to get through it. After all, Rachel is STILL finding yet more things to discuss about Chapter 4.
    So buckle up buttercups, we’re taking a detour before coming back with The Winterhaven Episode in a few weeks.
    Our love for Ann Patty continues to grow in direct proportion to our disdain for the ghostwriter, and it’s a good time to review why he is the worst, and Ann Patty got a raw deal from the patriarchy. While we’re there, we give a refresher course on the ghostwritten trash that is Dawn. And with that, we declare Dawn Cutler dismissed from the podcast, because she sucks.
    Get ready, Zolta Nation, next week we embed ourselves with the most lavish of our lurid families, the DolIangangers, as we take your through the twisted roots of Flowers in the Attic.
    Unable to wait, we threw some Cathy and Chris into this episode, and are proud to debut the new pharmaceutical ads that feature our own Corrine Foxworth Winslow.
    Thank you for listening, Zolta Nation! Rate,review and subscribe on itunes if you haven’t already, and spread the word to help us grow.

  • Episode 14 of The Lurid Family: The Absence of Jillian is here...
    Tuesday, 6. March 2018 21:57 o'clock


    Episode 14 of The Lurid Family: The Absence of Jillian is here for your ears and your brains!

  • To Whisper To Wolves
    Friday, 23. February 2018 05:51 o'clock

    One reason for the fascination my friends and I had with VCA, and this also explains why the GW has been able to milk it for so long, is this:

    Get ready to get uncomfortable! Not right away, but grab your teacups because we’re getting there.

    I can’t speak for everyone obviously, and something about the real VCA books made them secrets we shared in our little girl covens, so while there must be a common thread between the Petals on The Wind covens throughout the world, I really can’t say. It was an insular thing. I found, I think Flowers in the Attic when I was 9, and quickly read all I could get my hands on. Then I would bring them to my friends As we talked about last time, we were mostly really unsupervised in the 80s. There were drawbacks to that, to not being really guided through those particular years, as girls, but what we did with it was fucking great. The 80s was lots of attention to surface, to how things looked, and so our night-blooming questions and desires were only discussed or examined really with other young girls, maybe a little with our mothers, depending on the mother. That’s also why 80s counterculture, and 80s horror were so great and so dark and so risk-taking, but that’s a subject for another day.

    For now, I want to talk about being a child in the 80s, when parents were so young, and adults would get drunk and smoke cigarettes and tell us things.

    Things about how men are trash. Like full on Aunt Ellie, not as graphic as Kitty? 

    Wisdom about the perfidy of men was granted by women in furs, mascara running, looking tragically beautiful and jaded, cigarette in one hand, cocktail in the other, ice clinking, in my friend’s tree-house.

    It was one of the best days of my LIFE.

    But I love those bits in the books. I wonder if Andrews had an experience like that. I wonder if it was her mother. I wonder how common those experiences are now or were when I had them. I mean, my parents were young, even younger than everyone else’s parents and all the parents were young in the 80s, relative to now. They were young and very social and had bridge club and shit and lots of glamorous friends, including another tragic beauty who never told me her secrets. 

    Sigh. 

    Her name was Roxanne and she was - basically a mistress, I think, to somebody like, huge old money rich. I don’t think he was married or anything but his family said they’d cut him off if he married her and she was a secret and she always looked sad and off in her own head, so she would not tell us about men. She would just think about them, looking lovely and sad.

    I remember her sitting on the third stair in the entryway, in a camel-colored cashmere turtleneck, smoking and swirling her bourbon on rocks.

    You could have shot a polaroid and put it in Vogue. 

    She barely noticed we were there, when we were there, and I think she was on a lot of pills. She came to a tragic end. Pour one out. I always think of her when I listen to People’s Parties by Joni Mitchell because she was always Beauty from that song for me. 

    There were women who confided in us, on those stairs, or other stairs, in kitchens, in our rooms, about how men were easy to manage really, and it’s easier to manage them than to bother trying to win on the merits of your arguments. Sort of Corrine or Jillian type advice, really. 

    These moments were probably few but in my memory they seem to have been all the time. I think we memorized them, when they happened, repeated it all back and forth to each other. 

    We were so thirsty for these secrets. We already knew that we were in the dark woods and better learn to whisper to wolves.

    So, from very early on, even before I had sisters, I had the twin girl children of my mom’s best friend, the ones with the treehouse, and/or one or both of my other besties who’s parents were glamorous and in bridge club etc with my parents and we watched the adults who didn’t seem to notice. The voyeurism of the Andrews heroine is familiar to me though we did not watch our family members having sex, ew. Drink just because we mentioned it, and because we’re about to dig deeper.

    So, earlier than many would think, and while I think my experience is far from unique, it’s also fairly specific to my time and place, I’m not speaking for the world here, but pre-puberty, I’m talking 4th and 5th grade, for me and my girlfriends personally, we were talking about sex constantly and no one was going to talk to us about it, really, because we were 9 year old girls. 

    We didn’t want to have it yet! But we were pretty sure we were going to want to have it someday and also that we should spend the intervening years learning everything we could about this fascinating subject. And one of the many threads in the rrrrrich taaahhpestry of VC Andrews is the frank admission of the sexual exploration and curiosity of very young girls, written by a woman we instinctively felt was ON OUR SIDE about it. 

     And where the hell else did we get these frank admissions about  that, other than that one bit in Deenie (thank you Judy Blume, we love you!) and the one part of the Diary of Anne Frank if you got the uncensored one and someone gave it to you when you were 9ish or whatever.

    I’m talking about when Anne, pre-attic, suggests to one of her girlfriends that they practice kissing and maybe play with each other’s boobs a bit. Her friend isn’t into the idea, but doesn’t seem to mind that Anne asked, I seem to recall.

    I’m so grateful I got the uncensored one. Bless you, Anne Frank, and fuck everyone who has erased your possible queerness because they thought it was inappropriate.

    And I’m glad I got my hands on those books when I was 9, and brought them to the other girls.

    We keep bringing this up on The Lurid Family, but while we didn’t know the term “male gaze” or how to notice it was there, we sure as hell noticed the absence of it, on a cellular level, almost.

    I would think that at least one other girl had her own copies but in my memory it was always just my one copy, with multiple girls dogearing any page with sex in it, so we could read it again together and talk about it at recess or sleepovers or in my friends poolhouse while our moms drank bloody marys and let us go our own way. Sometimes they had cigarettes and we could steal one and take one puff each, get paranoid, and flush it down the toilet, then watch Risky Business and cosplay that we were escorts.

    We were TEN TOPS.


    We weren’t quite Vera or Fanny, or at least not yet, though I saw some girls struggling with what were probably some of the same problems, working through the fucking patriarchy the best they could. I don’t think it was quite the cold fire, usually, as with Vera with the medical book, or the things she says about it. But it wasn’t wanting to have sex. It was kind of practical and academic.

    When I first started really thinking about these books and the effect they had on us girls back in 1988ish, when we were little children wearing jellies and singing in the church choir, it was our fascination with sex that got me started on it. I felt it was natural that we craved that knowledge, but thought to myself that it was a shame that the only place we could get it was from this fucked up twisty incesty book world.

    I’ve completely changed my mind because the world is a tangle of thorns, it just fucking is. It gets better but also it fucking doesn’t.

    And what I got from these books, as a girl, was, I think, the permission to prick my finger if it means I get to smell a velvety red rose. The permission to enjoy my body and the way it could feel even if the goddamn patriarchy all but promised that at least some of the relationships or hook ups or whatever would not be ultimately healthy. Cathy had guilt about so many things and some of it WAS tied up and twisted up with sex, because she grew up in an attic, not Themyscira, and her relationship with Paul was clearly not ok in so many ways. But she went through that and never lost the sense that there was nothing wrong with feeling sexual pleasure. Heaven is so fucked up by Cal and so much more that it’s more complicated, but she heals. SEXUALLY. Even AUDRINA, and not just the scene in the garden, I’m talking the difficult, complicated, problefuckingmatic but then again also,  rapey animalistic fuck on the muddy grave of her dead sister who is actually her because she is the only Audrina

    (We are never going to pretend that there were ever two Audrinas. I don’t think the book is any better if you don’t know that. It’s the opposite, frankly.)

    EVEN THAT is about reclaiming that sense that it is ok to fuck and it’s ok to want to fuck and - we will get to that when we get to it, but I can’t not talk about Audrina. It’s the core of the Andrews universe, imo. 

    I kind of think childhood is different now, but maybe it isn’t I mean, if we had Netflix, maybe we wouldn’t have spent so much time spying on adults at parties. Most of the changes since the 80s have been good ones, but I do hope that in this new world, glamorous ladies still climb into treehouses to tell little girls that men are bastards. 

    It really was the best day.

  • (The Lurid Family)
    Tuesday, 20. February 2018 07:17 o'clock


    (The Lurid Family)

  • (The Lurid Family)
    Sunday, 28. January 2018 06:31 o'clock


    (The Lurid Family)

  • Updates to the VC Andrews Drinking Game/Bingo
    Monday, 20. November 2017 05:38 o'clock

    The Lurid Family launched a few weeks back and we are four episodes in, with a fifth on the way. We are fertile like Sarah Casteel.

     We are on iTunes , Soundcloud and Stitcher so check us out!

    So, it felt like time to revisit the drinking game rules, which I never really did write out all the way. I basically started over and it will be continuously updated. I haven’t gotten to rules for the ghostwriter books yet beyond “Drink for blatant plagiarism!” but this is a good start to the game for the one and only real VC Andrews.

    Also, if you are at all new to Andrewsland or a devotee of the cult of Vera, check out my Vera’s Greatest Hits List

    For a list of whatever my favorite recaps were on the day I made it, and links to the start of each book recap series, go HERE

    Please don’t really play this game. It would be tremendously more drinking than anyone should do probably.


    ·       Look. There are rules and there are rules. There are the main ones I can list, and the ones that I will invent or discover, and the ones I already invented and just forgot for the moment, and frankly, I have to stop somewhere so it’s a tad random. I won’t always call out the rules, just when I feel like it, play at your own speed, make it drinks or make it a Bingo. This drinking game is family friendly! But the show is NOT!

    ·       Rule number one is do not literally play this game, I care about your liver.

    ·       Drink for descriptions of bodily functions and fluids!

    ·       Drink for décor porn

    ·       Drink for closet porn

    ·       Drink twice for actual porn

    ·       Drink when the heroine points out religious hypocrisy

    ·       Drink for champagne fountains

    ·       Drink for voyeurism

     -      Drink when continuity editing is for suckers!

    ·       Drink for misandry! Twice if it’s in a speech delivered by a stern older woman who has her REASONS.

    ·       Drink for first appearances and only appearances

    ·       Pour one out for final appearances

    ·       Pour one out when it’s just too sad to make a joke

    ·       Drink for incest!

    ·       Drink twice for appropriate sibling relationships!

    ·       Drink for bosoms, drink for breasts, drink once more if a head is cradled to          the bosom or breasts and add a drink if the word “creamy” is used in the              description

    ·       Drink for offstage characters with amazing names

    -       Drink for vows of revenge

    -       Drink twice if Rachel expresses empathy for, or notes a positive aspect of            any male character who is not Troy or Tom or one of the literal children. 

    ·       Drink for silk walls

    ·       Drink for penis euphemisms

    ·       Drink twice if said euphemism endows the penis with a will of its own

    ·       Drink for male thighs!

    ·       Drink for shopping montages or present unwrapping montages

    ·       Drink for references to the heroine lacking a needed bra

    ·       Drink for scary matriarchs

    ·       Drink for lists of rules! Add a drink every time one of the rules is about not masturbating

    ·       Drink for reminders that the heroine is entirely descended from super hot people

    ·       Drink for marble bathtubs

    ·       Drink for Integenerational echo effect!

    ·       Drink for fur!

    ·       Drink for fur trim!

    -       Drink for poetry dedicated to Cathy

    -       Drink when young Bart Jr. hurts himself

    -       Drink when young Bart Jr. does something extra gross

    -       Drink when Jory aaaaalllmost gets a clue but can’t hold onto it. Ditto Audrina

    -        Drink when Bart Jr. pretends he is smoking cigarettes

    ·       Drink for negligees!

    ·       Drink twice for fur-trimmed negligees!

    ·       Drink for peignoirs!

    ·       Drink for a chaise!

    ·       Drink when Cathy goes fucking HAM

    ·       Drink for technological or medical anachronisms!

    ·       Drink when birth control exists!

    ·       Drink when abortion exists!

    ·       Drink for miscarriages!

    -       Drink for scrapbooking! Twice for revenge scrapbooking

    ·       Drink when a fairy tale metaphor is slowly tortured to death

    ·       Drink for color symbolism

    ·       Drink for Freudian dreams

    ·       Drink for beauty rituals! Twice if there is bath oil involved.

    ·       Drink for sneaky rebellion!

    ·       Drink for keys turning to lock our heroine in!

    -       Drink when Henny exists

    -       Drink for jasmine perfume

    -        Drink for Jillian dressed in black, like a diamond against cut velvet or whatever

    ·       Drink if you really just need to bleach your brain because holy fuck y’all

    ·       Drink when the weather changes because of the heroine’s feelings or Troy’s feelings

    ·       Drink for that which Jules and Rachel deem ICONIC. Here is a partial list, covering all the books except where it doesn’t, I’ll call them out as we go:

    o   Portrait Doll!

    o   Blue Suitcase!

    o   Leigh’s white dress

    o   Magic Hair!

    o   Ole Smokey!

    o   Skeeter Burl

    o   Leopard Skin Bolero!

    o   Syphilis Baby!

    o   Fiddles or Whittling or Moonshine!

    o   Kitty’s Camel Toe!

    o   White Sweater Dress

    o   Madame Zolta says “luv”

    o   Madame Zolta exists, tbh. She is my favorite person.

    o   Veal Cordon Bleu!

    o   Ceramics Fraud!

    o   Lysol bath!

    o   Chuckles the Hamster!

    o   Bangers and Whammers!

    o   Swan Bed!

    o   Green Dress!

    o   Heaven’s Red Dress

    o   Troy’s 80s New Romantic Pirate Outfit

    o   The Cloakroom

    o   Prisms

    o   Cupola

    o   Green feathered hat

    o   Billie’s red cart

    o   Larraine Duvalle!

    o   Thelma Merkel!

    -    Malcolm’s Diary

    o   13th Danseur

    o   Murals!

    o   Foxworth Hall!

    o   Vera breaks a bone

    o   Candlewick!

    o   TAR

    o   TUESDAY TEATIME

    o   WITH AUNT MERCY MARIE

    o   JUST KEEP DRINKING BECAUSE EVERYTHING ABOUT TUESDAY TEATIME IS ICONIC

    o   Detachable Penis!

    o   The Catheter of Doooom

    o   Paper Dolls

    o   Dollhouse!

    o   Dollhouse family!

    o   Miss Emily Calhoun’s Academy for Well Bred Young Ladies

    o   Winterhaven!

    o   Hedge Maze!

    o   Cottage!

    o   The Attic!

    o   The laundry chute!

    o   JANNA’s EVERYTHING

    o   Rye Whiskey[R1] 

    o   Abdullah Bar

    o   Shirley’s Place

    o   Roman Revival Room

    o   Corrine’s Photo Album

    o   Leigh’s Photo Album

    o   Biographical Train Set

    o   Picnic Basket

    o   See-through nylon panties

    o   Whip Marks!

    o   Swan Lake Costume

    -   Toe Sucking!

    -    A rose made out of fucking diamonds

    o   How to Create Your Own Needlepoint Designs (twice because it is really PORN)

    o   He put in me a baby

    o   Your nipples could be seen

    o   9 inch piano teacher penis

    o   The entire Vera List

    o   OK, I have to staaaahp

    ·       Drink for Daddy Issues!

    ·       Drink for Mommy Issues!

    ·       Actually don’t. You will die.

    ·       Please do not follow these rules in a literal way unless you take tiny sips and know your limits because I care about your liver and your safety

    ·       Don’t drive after the game

    ·       Don’t call or text or otherwise contact any exes or family members with whom you have baggage. You should like journal it, or dance it out OR write it all in an email to meeeeeee

    ·       Seriously, if you play the drinking game at all, do some drunk emailing, or tweeting or whatever, but send it all straight to me. I will contact you when you’re sober if I want to read any of it on the podcast and get your sober consent or take it to my grave.

    ·       This is a great idea. Do it.

  • At Long Last, I Return. And HOW
    Sunday, 19. November 2017 04:43 o'clock

    If any of you wonderful people are still out there, spend a few days in anticipation, then on Tuesday check your podcast service, whatever it may be, for:

    The Lurid Family Podcast


    It’s kind of like this blog, but talking! And not just me talking! And new material, obviously, now that we are taking yet another read through of these twisted tales. 

    We are starting by contrasting Heaven and the ghostwritten trash that is Dawn. Every episode is half delving into Heaven, and half reading the ghostwriter for fucking filth.

    Join our family! By the time you’re thoroughly sick of your own family dysfunction this Thanksgiving, we will have hours of binge-worthy, loving snark about the dysfunctional families that define the gothic fairytale world of the one and only VC Andrews, and they will be waiting for you. Plus a BUNCH of making fun of Dawn. Because she is the WORST.

    Tuesdays and sometimes other days too, just like Tuesday Teatimes With Aunt Mercy Marie, so slosh some bourbon into your fancy teacup and let’s get into the shit. Sometimes literally, because Andrews.

    Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me to keep writing about VC Andrews. I hope you’ll come check out the new project. Eventually I’ll have a bunch of cool links to show you what’s going on but I wanted to go ahead and get this up now.

    @luridpodcast on twitter, tumblr, and instagram, and join The Lurid Family Facebook group so we can all go through this together.  

  • Julian is the Vera of Petals on the Wind
    Monday, 2. October 2017 20:44 o'clock

    This isn’t a new thought, I’ve said it before. However, it just occurred to me that, as much time as I spend calling Julian an abuser and a predator, which he IS, I buy his pre-death redemption arc, somewhat.

    I have refused to buy redemption arcs for literally every other shitty male in the whole VCA oeuvre.

    I think it’s when he tells Cathy to have an abortion, and I truly believe he meant it in the most unselfish, reckoning with reality, way. It’s downright kind.

    Julian, like Vera, is going to lash out and hurt people and there is no excuse for it, really.

    But I get it. I get the big open wound of “NO ONE HAS EVER REALLY LOVED ME FUCKING EVER!” and I think that wound is really hard to overcome. 

    When Julian knew he was going to die, he tried to reckon with himself and what he’d done to Cathy and I have to give him credit for that. 

    I still love Vera the mostest, but she died while still straight up fucking with Audrina’s head and with Arden too. It was fucking glorious, but it’s not a redemption arc. 

    Other than their state of mind at death though, they are both adolescent rage hurricanes.

    Pour one out for Julian and pour one out for Vera, and I guess you can toss out like, a splash of franzia for Yolanda maybe. 

  • Have you seen Crimson Peak? It’s a Gothic ghost story which is very aware of being a Gothic ghost story with gorgeous costumes.
    Friday, 29. September 2017 08:35 o'clock

    yessssss

  • amandadawnblock:Pausing my My Sweet Audrina watch to say that...
    Thursday, 28. September 2017 21:30 o'clock


    amandadawnblock:

    Pausing my My Sweet Audrina watch to say that Tess Atkins is stealing the show! She captures EVERYTHING about Vera and I am so impressed!

    OK, so, I still don’t think I can watch it because of how badly they fucked up Whitefern Exterior. I saw that picture and just said no, and so far I’m sticking to it.

    HOWEVER, before that, I was cautiously optimistic about this casting for Vera. The actress had not done much before, but I recall finding a couple of pics or clips that demonstrated a potential for Vera-ness.

    And as anyone who has read anything I’ve ever written knows, my standards for Vera-ness are exacting. So, I can buy that she killed it. I maybe can check it out.

    But…but… Sasha Pieterse, y’all. 

    Why didn’t they cast her? She’s perfect for it. Perfect. I don’t know if I’m ready to let another Vera into my heart now that I’ve visualized everything with Sasha. My head cannon on what Vera looks like has become too strong.

    Someday maybe. 

  • The Best of the Recaps
    Friday, 25. March 2016 02:48 o'clock

    In no particular order, my favorite entries from the old days, when I was recapping the books. Some of them are because they are awesome bits of the books, some are because I like what I did with them, some are both! Some are way too long tbh, but full of great bits. 

    Here are links to the first of each recap series:

    My Sweet Audrina

    Flowers in the Attic

    Petals on the Wind

    If There Be Thorns

    Seeds of Yesterday

    Garden of Shadows

    Heaven

    Dark Angel

    Anyway, I’ve been seriously considering working up some Andrews pitches for various online publications. Not recaps, probably, but I’ve been digging through for inspiration. Feedback appreciated. I got too tired to finish going through the titles to make my capitalization consistent, but I’m going to just live with it. 

    The Time Cathy Collapsed Dramatically into a Pool of Her Own Blood During a Ballet Audition

    An Andrews Heroine Specifically Says That Statutory Rape Is A Crime!

    Audrina Runs Around Crying in the Rain and Being Useless While Vera Does Some of Her Best Work Ever. Arden is Possessed By the Spirit of Troy or Something and Helps Audrina Get Some Sexual Healing! 

    Chris Puts His Sister’s Nipple in His Mouth and Then Makes Fun of Her for Thinking There is Something Sexual About It. Cathy Has a Freudian Dream and Finally Gets a Bra.

    Four Generations of Head Witches Except One is a Ghost: Thanksgiving at Farthy

    In Which Cathy’s justifiable admiration of her own body is interrupted by her pervy brother and her judgy grandmother who has somewhat of a point, this time.

    BOW CHICKA BOW WOW SEXUAL HEALING FOR HEAVEN! Piano foreplay! Horses! Minimal Mommy issues if you’re grading on the Andrews Curve! A Man who respects boundaries and the word no! A man who makes appropriate snacks and passionate love! And they are the same man! The healthiest, most sex-positive scene in all of Andrews. 

    When Vera Cut Pictures Out of Porn Mags and Coated Them With Glue So Little Audrina Would Get Busted With Porn Stuck to Her Fingers.

    In Which Cathy Displays Incredible Time Management Skills and Finally Bones Her Foster Father

    Thank You, The Color is Mauve: In Which We Arrive at That One Part of Dark Angel. You Know the One.

    In Which Cathy Gets Fucking Awesome and the Grandmother Has to Full on KNOCK HER OUT WITH A HAIRBRUSH Because Cathy Does NOT GIVE A SHIIIITTT

    Cathy Kicks the Patriarchy Square in the Balls

    Kitty Engages in More Child Abuse While Cal Starts Grooming Heaven For Future Abuse. Kitty Delivers The Best Monologue in All of Andrews. Yes, People, I’m Talking About Bangers and Whammers.

    In Which I Give The Ghostwriter More Attention Than He Deserves

    The Time I Discovered That I Am Madame Z’s Biggest Fan, in an Actual, Literal, Way

    And on that note, Madame Navarena Zolta Korovenskov is here!

    Audrina Watches Vera Fuck the Pervy Pedo Piano Teacher! Vera Miscarries and LITERALLY FLINGS CLOTS OF MISCARRIAGE BLOOD AT HER MOTHER.

    Heaven’s oceans of daddy issues evaporate upwards, turn into clouds, then condense and rain daddy issues down from the motherfucking sky.

    Cathy explains to Paul that yes, she knows what orgasms are, and also that she didn’t get to have one when they finally boned. Cathy then goes on to kick ass for this entire section and then fuck off to New York with Julian. I love this book. 

    We Are All Chuckles The Hamster, RIP Chuckles.

    Cathy Finally Leaves Julian Sort Of But Then He Dies and She Throws Her Career Away Anyway Because She Makes Terrible Choices.

    The most Corrine-est chapter of all!

    Logan Fucking Stonewall Has a Time Turner, But Specifically One that Allows Him to Be an Asshole Twice at the Same Time.

    Cathy Learns About Menstruation and is Fucking Horrified in the Most Hilarious and Actually Rather Feminist Way about the Whole Deal

    TEA TIME WITH AUNT MERCY MARIE

  • The Andrewsesque - A List, Part 1
    Friday, 29. January 2016 03:19 o'clock

    In no particular order, here are some movies I think you will all enjoy. I’m mostly sticking to ones you may not have heard of that Andrews fans will like. For example, you would obviously love Crimson Peak, but I assume you know that, and you know how I feel about Black Christmas so no need to put that here. Here we go:

    Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny, and Girly (AKA Girly)

    Let’s Scare Jessica To Death

    La Residencia (AKA The House that Screamed)

    Blood and Roses

    Poison for the Fairies

    The Blood Spattered Bride

    The Initiation of Sarah

    Killer’s Moon

    Die, Sister, Die

    Lemora, A Child’s Tale of the Supernatural

    Don’t Torture A Duckling

    Night Must Fall (The one with Rosalind Russell)

    Hatchet for the Honeymoon

    We Are What We Are

    Silent Night, Bloody Night

    Frightmare

    House of Whipcord

    Straight on til Morning

    May

    Spider Baby

    The Red House

    Switchblade Sisters

    Lisa and the Devil

    The Haunting (NOT THE REMAKE)

    Suspiria

    Alice, Sweet Alice

  • Reminders
    Sunday, 8. November 2015 00:37 o'clock

    I know that I only post sporadically, and I can’t believe how many of you still show up to check! 

    Anyway, next, coming soonish will be Let’s Talk about Jess, Black Christmas entry number 3. Will probably also Talk about Phil and maybe even Talk About Jess’ AWFUL Boyfriend at some point, but the important thing here is that the next movie we will discuss will be Killer’s Moon.

    It is streaming if you have Amazon Prime. If not, it’s worth a rental. It is a subversive feminist masterpiece masquerading as an exploitative slasher film and frankly, most people are fooled by it, which is why it is underappreciated. I also found out that one of the actresses eventually became a Real Housewife of somewhere, but I can’t recall right now. See you soon!

  • Let’s Talk about Barb!
    Saturday, 24. October 2015 19:50 o'clock

    So, I realize I have been putting off my Black Christmas tribute, part 2, because I really wish I could do it as more of a conversation where a bunch of us Talk about Barb together.

    In the meantime, I present you with the following Barb moments:

    1) The CHOKER. Also note that here she calls her mother a gold-plated whore:

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    2) Barb’s reaction to the obscene phone caller getting really nasty:

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    I’ll add that when it seems to really be scaring the girls, especially Claire (who Barb likes to torment) Barb also takes charge, grabs the receiver, tells the guy off, and makes everyone feel safe again, though I’m pretty sure she recognizes that they are not safe.

    3) Barb getting a small child drunk at a sorority charity event:

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    4) Barb opening a fresh can of beer at the police station. Note that despite her attempts at pretending to not give a shit, and the fact that she doesn’t particularly like Claire, Barb shows up when needed. She does give the cops the wrong phone number to the sorority, but she does it in the form of an excellent blow job joke. 

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    5) Barb explaining the sexual stamina of tortoises (to Claire’s awful prudish dad) while reading Playgirl or Playboy (I can’t tell, the pic is too bad. Either way, go, Barb!):

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    Adding to the context here - The dad and the remaining occupants of the house (sans Jess, I think) are having dinner. Barb has just been steadily drinking all damn day, and is reclining on a goddamn chaise with porn while everyone else sits at the table. God, I love her. Also, Claire’s dad is the worst because when the cops told him that maybe his missing daughter hasn’t been horribly murdered, maybe she’s just with a guy, he is offended and says, basically, that he would prefer the former. I hate this guy, and love that Barb messes with him so hard. He deserves it. 

    If you watch the Best of Barb highlight reel, this part is around 3 minutes in, and I highly recommend checking it out:

    The worst of Barb is the bit where she says “You can’t rape a townie”. But Barb has issues, y’all. She is bitter and angry and drunk and doing her best to hide that all under a shell of being tough and above it all. The whole first scene is right after her mom ditched her for the holidays and Barb will never let you see her pain. The audience gets like, half a second to see that it’s there, and I suspect that Jess knows it’s there. Barb, despite her act, is fierce and loyal and protective and fucked up and vulnerable and tough and complicated. 

    That is why Black Christmas is a cut above your average slasher film (oh shit, really did not intend that pun, but I’m leaving it). All the characters are so real, so human. 

    Best. Slasher. Ever. 

    Fight me, Halloween fans. 

    Next time: Let’s Talk about Jess!